1. Ugg Boots
No Australia, you should not have a stand alone store dedicated to Ugg Boots, much less a whole historical building dedicated to these heinous creations. Sure they keep my toes nice and warm, but seeing them outside on a 30 degree day (Celsius) with a pair of short denim shorts to accompany them irks me. It doesn't make sense. Are you hot or are you cold?! Please do us all a favour and watch the weather forecast that day so we do not have to suffer from looking at the exposed skin that is between the top of your ugg boots and the bottom of your inappropriately short denim shorts.
Tucking your track suit pants into your ugg boots, does not (and I repeat), does not help either, nor will it increase your chances of getting a boyfriend.
2. Long socks & Canvas shoes
No. Just don't. Please, for the love of God, do not wear these shoes over socks that stretch up to your calves. The next tweenager I see wearing this look will get slapped in the face with a fish. I will literally eat your family, then eat your pets.
3. Supre singlets
Please, for the love of Jesus, do not ever go outside and wear a Supre singlet with a quote attached to it. What do those people think when they look at themselves in the mirror with their "I heart my boyfriend" singlet on? Do you think it's funny? Is it witty? Does it actually make you look like an intelligent girl that can hold her own? No! So take the damn thing off before I throw you off my balcony.
|Are you legitimately serious?|
4. Country Road shoulder bags
Look, I have a few. Kudos. They actually do make a good overnight bag but if I see one more Country Road bag (or a copy of it - Sportsgirl, I'm talking to you) waltzing around the street in the day time and being used as a hand bag, I will literally grab my dads samurai sword and slash the shit out of it. It's made of canvas, hence it will slash. I am not even remotely joking.
|What the hell|
So everyone, that was my rant 1.0. I'm sure there will be many more coming your way but I needed to get that off my chest. It was only a matter of time before I stopped being polite but don't worry, nice Jessie will come back next post.
Until then, Australian tweenagers beware, I have a newly sharpened sword with your Country Road bag's name on it. You were warned.
To everyone else, happy labour day!